SEO Ain’t Happy

SEO ain’t happy? What AM I talking about? Sorry, you won’t understand this unless you’re another blogger using Yoast for SEO, as most of us are. No worries, my explanations in blue should clear things right up.

SEO knows it all
SEO Ain’t Happy

Bloggers, doesn’t it strike you as the teensiest bit unreasonable of SEO to be so strict? Everything revolves around getting the green dot, which for non-bloggers, means you don’t get a gold star. Blogger friends you know what I mean…

 

SEO AIN’T HAPPY IF:

 

*the post is under 300 words

*the post is over 300 words…WHAAT?? Oh yes…it must be exactly 300 words. Not 299. Not 301.

*the post is all scrunched up together and has no white space. What in the heck is white space? White space is basically just having paragraphs.

*you have no images

*you have huge image files that haven’t been squashed flat. SEO Ain't HappyWhaat, mess up my beautiful photos? Yes, they slow down your site and SEO hates that.

*the images aren’t appropriately labeled

*the image labels don’t have the keyword

*you don’t have sub-headings within the post Sub-heading? What is that? Sub-heading is like another title in your post, and you better have the keyword in it, even if you’re talking about something else for a minute. Or SEO ain’t happy.

*your title is too long

*your title is too short

*your title is boring.

*your title has things called “stop words.” So what in the heck are stop words? Stop words are things like “a, an, the, is, of, are, were, was.” Things that make your title more understandable, but SEO wants to kick them out.

*you don’t have backlinks within the post. Backlinks? I’m afraid to ask. Backlinks are where you’ve referred to someone else in your post…maybe their website, or maybe even something YOU’VE said and you want to point your readers to that other post or website. So you put in a link. 

 

Naw, SEO Ain’t Happy If:

 

*your permalink, title, and slug don’t exactly match. You can’t use things like ellipses, slashes, or an ampersand in a title because they aren’t recognized in a permalink. So what happens if you do it anyway? You don’t get the green dot! So repeat after me…SEO. ain’t. happy. And WHAT, pray tell, are permalinks and slugs?

SEO ain't happy
Slug

                                                     THIS is a slug, don’t you know?? No, No, NO, not here! Permalink tells somebody doing a search that your post might have what they’re looking for.

*your keywords aren’t in the first paragraph. OK, they’re in the first paragraph, but SEO ain’t happy unless they ARE your FIRST 1-3 words…even if the post reads better without them. (Would you believe she says they aren’t in my first paragraph???) If you’re smart, you better sprinkle them throughout your post!

*your meta description doesn’t have the slug, and the keyword. You’re in big trouble then. Should I even ASK what a meta description is? Nah, you’re better off not knowing.

*your permalink or URL doesn’t have the keyword in it.

*you’ve already used the title or keyword once before.

 

And so what happens if SEO ain’t happy? Well sir,…she puts her foot down,

SEO Ain't Happy
Not gonna do it

 

 

and won’t show your post to anybody. All your work goes down the drain. So we must feed the SEO shrew lady, but I still think she’s unreasonable. Sometimes I just wanna slap her.

 

Hope you’ve enjoyed my humorous look at SEO!

 

Please pin!

SEO Ain't Happy

16 comments on SEO Ain’t Happy

    1. Uh-oh! Don’t let it stop you Ellen! It’s doable! You have such a unique product and skill, blogging would be a great avenue for you, and fascinating for us to read! Blogging & SEO is a learning curve…no doubt about that!

  1. Haha! So true! But I put my foot down at some of the “requirements.” I give her the finger. Okay. I don’t, but kinda mentally do. If what she wants me to do doesn’t make sense to a reader, I won’t do it. I believe as long as we have the most important things going, and still write to humans, we won’t self destruct. And, amazingly, Google still finds me! That is, if someone is actually looking for what I’m writing about, which isn’t all that often. 😉

  2. Florence you had me on the floor with this one. SEO has me backed up into a corener and trembling with fear. My personal pet peeve is the titles. I hate writing boring titles but I know I need to give a good solid desription of the project. It is a constant battle. Thanks for the laughs.

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